But why not?

My mom did a very sweet thing for me. She read and subsequently saved an article for me and mentioned she had it when we spoke today. It's about putting your marriage first. To which I said, "Oh. No thanks."

She asked why I didn't want it and I can honestly say I don't remember what lousy answer I gave.

I pondered it for the next while. Why didn't I want to read it? Lots of people would. I know I put all kinds of things first but that myself and my marriage aren't them.

So why didn't I want it?

I realized that I don't read, nor do I want, any self help type information. I don't watch Oprah, Dr. Phil or anything in that genre and the only magazines and books I buy are food related.

I used to buy them - the self help related books I mean. There are a few on my shelves as evidence to this - things like Women Who Run With Wolves and some by Dr. Sears for when baby number one was on the way.

But nothing since with two reasons why.

The first was a bad taste from a parenting book telling me how my boy "would be". Not a "might be" but a "because he's a boy, he'll be like this..." I promptly closed the book and gave it away. Humanity has a habit of seeing what it's told it will see. You tell me my boy is going to be unable to concentrate and I'll only see the times he can't concentrate. Leave me to discover him on his own and I'll see the good before the bad. I'll find ways to cope and encourage who he is not try to make him something different.

The second was the realization that no one can really tell me how to improve my life because they don't live MY life. They can tell how they've lived their life, the situations they've been in and how they've managed and, if it's well written, I'm happy to read it. For me to read that I need/could/should want to do things a certain way because someone tells me to without taking the extenuating circumstances of my life's complications is illogical, and ultimately, self destructive.

It sets me into a tail spin of frustration that I haven't done things a certain way, have no inclination to or simply can't because of those same extenuating circumstances.

Things like "going out regularly with just hubby". Sounds great would love to. Sort of. Well, not really. I like being home in the evening. The money needed goes into our savings or pays for preschool and I would like to know that whatever loving soul I've left caring for my daughter isn't going to be faced with her waking, screaming with pain. Yes they`d get through it but it's not fair for anyone to deal with.

And while the examples of suggestions and rebuttals is endless, I will end with huge thanks to Mom for thinking of me, for wanting the best for me and wanting to keep me happy and healthy.

I will continue to muddle through life for a while knowing that, while I could do things differently, they wouldn't necessarily be better for me (or us) and that my instincts will have to do for now. So far, when I listen, they haven't been wrong.

Perhaps it's a gender thing?

When speaking with my mom this morning, the topic of my ornery son and me, the grouchy mom, came up.

"I don't get it." she said, "You girls were never like that. You didn't talk back or mouth off. So-and-so's son is doing the same thing..."

Nope. We didn't. At least, I don't really remember it if we did. We could say it was a generational thing - that raising kids was different then than it is now - which is it - but I'm not entirely certain that's the case.

I went on to explain that it did improve dramatically when Roman shared "I really don't like having a cast Mama."

"Me either" I said. "I don't like you having a cast either."

And his attitude improved. It was like a light switch. Dark and moody one moment, light and sunny the next. Even at an afternoon appoint for Lauren, Roman was the boy I'm used to having around - quiet, polite to adults, doing what he's told the first (okay, second) time through...

Even through dinner time and while I put Lauren to bed. Normally when Papa's away at bedtime, Roman gets to watch TV while I put Lauren to bed. Unfortunately his TV privileges had been revoked (still are actually) AND his computer privileges too. But there was no fussing, no whining, and only one small interrupting of Lauren's bedtime process.

It's not the first time I've witnessed this sort of transition with him.

He gets into this ass-y state where he won't listen and is constantly rude and defiant.  After we draw the truth out of him (a sometimes painful affair requiring medieval torture techniques) he perks right up and is, once again, a delight to be around.

I mentioned this 'pulling teeth is easier than getting my kid to tell me what's up' to my older sister who knowingly replied, "Uh huh. Been there. Twice."

So, perhaps the reason we girls were 'never like that' is because we were, and are, penis-free. Perhaps it's tied inexplicably to the Y chromosome. I suspect it's right there alongside the inability to put dirty socks in the laundry, putting the toilet seat back down again and [gasp!] actually get the pee INTO the toilet instead of on the floor...

Mama The Grouch

It's been a day of constant - and I mean CONSTANT disciplining today and it has made me very VERY cranky.

Lauren has a cold so she's borderline miserable. Roman is borderline dependent so I'm miserable.

And they both seem to have forgotten how to listen. Perhaps their ears are on recall? I'm pretty sure Lauren's are full of fluid again. When she was futzing about food, I gave her lots of options. Eventually I asked loudly if she was having trouble hearing me. She looked at me with those big doe eyes and said yes. When I remember to speak louder than usual, she seems to hear better and act better.

When she can't hear well, she's like a little demon child. It was like this in early December when she got her last cold and her behaviour improved dramatically when the cold cleared (about 4 weeks later. Yes. Doing the math means we've had about 2, maybe 3 weeks of normal attitude out of her before starting again.

Roman, meanwhile, seems to have forgotten every house and family rule we have. The talking back and arguing foreshadows teenagerhood and, combined with his unspoken insistence that his broken leg entitles him to special treatment has really pushed the limits of my patience.

At least I have my Jeep back. The boys at the shop one again have shown me that good customer service isn't completely dead. The simple fix worked, for which my pocket book is doing a happy dance, and the boys brought  my truck to us instead of us going to get it - which would've been  a challenge with two kids and a cast.

Sounds like the name of a musical - "Now at the Canon Theatre, Two kids and a Cast. The story of a mom trying to stay sane while living the big life..."

Note the heavy sarcasm on 'big'...

Freaky new moon. Are we done yet?

It is my firm belief that three trips to the local hospital in one week is quite sufficient.

First was last Thursday night when Roman broke his leg. That story has already been shared.

Last night, I had the joy of spending a few more hours in the emergency department after Great-Grandma fell and fractured her hip. That word "joy" is sincere is as well. She was appreciative, focused and quite coherent. While waiting for doctors we talked, smiled and joked about different things. Things like how I wanted to stay for as long as she would be seeing doctors so we could all have the same information. "Because sometimes it's hard to remember everything" I said. To which she smiled and said "yes, my memory's not as good as it used to be" or something to that effect.

It was helpful too to have me there when the cardiologist came. Doctors tend to ask a question the same way when they don't get an answer then assume the patient is incapable of answering when they don't. In this case, the cardiologist was trying to ascertain who GG's cardiologist was. He asked if it was "so and so" and GG looked at him blankly then said, "I don't know how to answer that." The doctor asked again, louder. When he still wasn't getting an answer, I interrupted with "Grandma, Who's your heart doctor?" She then rattled off the names of both cardiologists she had seen years before.

In the end though, GG has admitted to the hospital to the last bed available in the entire building. The orthopedic surgeon scheduled a hip repair surgery for today (happening right now actually) and our fingers are crossed that all goes well. It'll be a tough road to get GG up and walking again and she was so angry that she'd taken a silly fall just as she was getting more mobile and independent again.

This is also why the surgeon wanted to do the repair even though GG is 94. She was mobile so they wanted to give her the opportunity to be mobile again. If they did nothing, she would continue to have pain and likely not be mobile or independent due to how the bone would set.

My one frustration with the whole evening is how doctors don't bother to read the file. Seriously people. Why bother writing things down if no one else going to read them? How many times does she need to explain what happened? How many times do we have to say, "her medication list is in the file (you know... that stack of paper you're holding on to???)"

Today we were back at the hospital for Roman's follow up with the orthopedic surgeon (different one that GG is seeing of course). Dr A was wonderful. He explained a bit more about the fracture itself and how it is a twist which is quite common in tibial breaks. He also explained how the fibia helps keep it stable so Roman can start putting weight on that leg again (hooray!). They put on a new cast at a lesser angle so he can actually touch the ground with the ball of his foot.  We`ll have this cast (still above the knee to his toes) for three weeks. He'll likely then have a short cast (between the ankle and knee instead of past them) for a further two weeks.

So six weeks total.

check out the cute toe bootie they had for Roman... The only requirement
the dr had is that Roman make a thank you card for the lady that makes them.
How cute is that?

And in case all that hospital fun isn't enough, as I tried to leave home with the kids to take Lauren to her tumbling class, the clutch on the Jeep failed.

Yep. Not one, not two, but THREE mobility breaks in one week.

It was so sad to see my Jeep driving down the driveway on the back of a flatbed. It just wasn't right. Our mechanic is hopeful it is simply a cylinder or something hydrolic. I'm just hope they can get it fixed and back to me today.

Probably an easier fix than Grandma's hip at least!

Traveling circus anyone?

I'm currently in need of a traveling circus to which I can sell / donate / surreptitiously stash or in some other way contribute my children.

Yes yes unconditional love blah blah blah.

After a day like today I think I could love them a lot more unconditionally if they were, say... with a circus. Surely with Lauren's hyper-extensible joints, she'd be a shoe in for "Cirque du Lamé".

From a psychological perspective I get it. Roman's life is a upside at the moment. He can't do all the things he'd like to as quickly as he used to. He's lost some of his independence but at the same time has gained a lot more Mama attention. Lauren meanwhile has to deal with her loss of Mama time and re-emergence of Roman's dependence (and bad attitude).

I can only suspect that Roman's loss of control of some of the most fundamental things (like going to the bathroom whenever) in a world where control of your life is already someone else's (ie: the teacher's) hands most of the time, makes it even harder to be home and deal with Mama being in even further control than usual.

There was a lot of talking back, bossing of his sister, pushing buttons and yelling (by all of us) that makes me thankful today is over but regretful for the way it went. I even tried to get away for just a moment rather than thoroughly lose my temper over a bathtime rudeness avalanche only to have Mr Attitude freak out even further.

In this instance, it was his "Not Getting It" that drove me over the edge. The "Not Getting" the fact that I am the Mama and I am in charge here. You're having a bath and you're having it my way because I AM the Mama not you....or something to that effect. For that moment I was the epitome of a Screaming Mimi.

We were (thankfully) just coming out of this phase before we adopted Seahawk Blue. Roman was coming home from school much more relaxed, less defiant and generally happier. We could do homework or practice piano or squeeze in bathtime without it becoming a battle of wills. Now we're right back into the thick of things.

Lauren meanwhile is always tired. All day. She sleeps - or is in bed at least - for 12 1/2 hours or more each night, sometimes sleeping in past her wake up light. Within a couple hours she's cranky and "Mama, I so tired". Sleep apnea has come up in association with Noonan Syndrome and I very briefly mentioned it to our ENT last spring or so.

It means the time has come for me to push for a sleep study. I can't say that I notice her stop breathing for 10 or more seconds, which is the clinical observation, but who's to say she doesn't? She snores and her sleep needs have changed. She's been settling herself all night long but that doesn't mean she's actually getting restful, restorative sleep. We see the ENT next week so will start there but will likely need to look at other situations that might cause the same symptoms.

Lauren hasn't had regular naps for over a year and until recently, even when she had horrible nights with gas pains, was still a happy, contented girl all day. Now she's sleeping more AND exhausted. If she'd always been this way I wouldn't be concerned. But it's new. And I am.

Concerned that is.

But NOT concerned enough today to NOT give her to a circus. Please send said circus my way if they're in your neighbourhood.

January Blues - Seahawk Blue in fiberglass that is...

Phew. What a day. For this we're going to define "day" as a 24 hour period.

It started around 5:45pm yesterday.

Roman had his first skating lesson. They're group lessons offered by the city. Reasonable price, pretty good timing (though could be better but who else has their weekday mornings free but me?) close(ish) to home and, most importantly, he was excited about it.

Roman gets some one on one time with his instructor

Hubby took him to class and said he did amazing - that he saw amazing progression from the start to end of class.Roman could get up by himself by the end and Papa was super proud, and VERY cold.

As the kids were getting off the ice, Roman took a spill. We don't exactly know why or how he fell, all we know is it hurt. The instructor, and Papa thought Roman's screams might have been a bit of drama after a long day and being cold.

By the time they got home, Roman couldn't bear for me to even touch his calf. Knee was okay, foot and ankle were okay, shin bone with a bump, no way. My head is still ringing from the screaming.

Being the mom, and given the gift of intestinal fortitude that must come with estrogen production, I pack up a bag, load a screaming banshee back into the car and head to the local emergency department. If it hurts to move it, it's not a good thing.

We were blessed with a parking spot on the street in front of emerg but I still had to haul my 42 pounder across the street and into the hospital. In true me fashion, I picked the closest doors which were not directly into the emergency department. Argh.

We did, however, get through triage and into the actual treatment area pretty quickly - maybe 30-40 minutes. AB and UL came to help which was the most amazing support we could have. They fed the parking meter for me, brought in that bag of stuff I had packed and AB read book after book to Roman while I talked to doctors or simply tried to breathe without bursting into tears.

For the record, the tears were in response to how much pain my little guy was in. No one should have to scream like that. Ever. To know that it was not going away until it was treated and it hurt like that EVERY time he moved anything was nearly unbearable for me and I expect, any mom.

Sure enough, he'd broken his tibia (that's the front bone on the shin and is the bigger, weight bearing bone). The ER doc seemed like he was pretty recently done his residency. He didn't seem to quite know how to respond to my insistence on more information. I've spent a lot of time with a lot of specialists. I've learned my lessons and I'm not going to let you shluff me off with the simple, "it should be fine with just a cast". Nope. Tell me the whole picture. What's the worst case? How long do I have to wait to hear from the orthopedic surgeon? Will I get to talk to the OS? How long will it take to heal? What about school? What do you mean I have to CARRY him everywhere?

For the record, the guy never did come back with an answer from the nurses about crutches for a 5 year old...

He did however have the most amazing physician's assistant on staff that night who was amazing with both meds, determining what Roman needed and getting that cast on super quick. It's blue.

Some would say Maple Leaf Blue but for our family, it's Seahawk Blue. Way better. As Roman then piped up, "Mama loves the Seahawks" generating the need for me to explain exactly WHO the Seattle Seahawks are. Sorry Seahawks. You just don't have much audience out here in the east.

Start to finish, our hospital trip was about 4 hours. Could've been much MUCH worse. We could've had an incompetent PA. I could've been completely on my own without the calming and supportive presence of AB and we could've had a break needing surgery.

Roman missed school today which was good for all of us. So long as we keep his pain meds boosted and games, legos and Mama on hand, we get through the day.  By mid afternoon he was trying to hop (not easy when you're 5 and the leg you would normally use for hopping is the one that's broken...) and okay with trying things on his own. By bedtime he was a wreck and everything started to hurt but after such a traumatic night, who can blame him?

Tomorrow we tackle crutches in anticipate of a return to school on Monday. His teacher is very supportive and, other than not being able to take the bus, I'm sure Roman will appreciate it too. Might really love the attention!

Silly things to be thankful for...

As I was driving home after dropping Lauren off at preschool this morning, I realized I was feeling pretty thankful and for some rather odd things.

First off being thankful for this mess of snow we're getting. Yes I am Canadian and yes I am quite used to snow and yes I do really prefer my water to be thawed but for whatever reason, the blowing snow and messy roads appeal to me this morning.

Perhaps it's because mess roads often mean the crazies stay home. A valid reason really. For anyone who`s offended and thinks perhaps they`re the crazies I`m talking about, well, you need to stay home.

In addition to the snow, this morning I am thankful for something much more mundane...

wait for it...

my tires.

Yep. That's what I said. Tires.

Snow tires be precise. We purchased a set for the Jeep this fall when one of our existing tires had a hole. If we're going to pay to fix it and we need new tires anyways, it's time to bite the proverbial bullet and shell out for a new set of rubber.

Snow tires, combined with my dad's words to keep the wheels spinning to keep the snow out of the treads has made Ontario winter driving a) easier b) feeling safer and c) really fun.

And I haven't had to use my 4 x 4 yet this winter. Even on our driveway which slopes up into the garage.

In our 5 years of living here, I've had to use the 4 x 4 nearly every time I want to back in - until now. Okay, not in the summer but anyone living here can tell you that's not a lot of days.

So silly as it is, I am thankful for my winter tires.

An the snow to use them in.

Slip slidin' away

Our dusting of snow last Friday meant we were able to go tobogganing with the kids on Saturday and Sunday afternoon. Just past one of our barns there's a slope. It doesn't look like much in the summer but add a few inches of crunchy snow and it's perfect for a 5 year old and a crazy carpet. The start of the run is steep enough to get speed up followed by just enough space before the driveway to turn and keep going without ripping down so fast you lose your lunch (or an arm or leg in the tree line).

Even Lauren gave it a go "all by myself!" She made it half way down the hill before the crazy carpet spun around once, dumped her off and left her to slide down the hill, on her face, feet first and loving it.

I, meanwhile, had had just about enough. I really do prefer my water sports on open [read: thawed aka liquid aka NOT FROZEN] water.

Sunday, when we went out again, the combination of sun and extra cold resulted in a sled track to rival the olympics. Super fast and really fun.

Of course this fun had to be thwarted as it consistently shot both kids and parents across the lane, into the evergreen trees and almost through the neighbour's fence. Had we gone through the fence, we could've kept sliding right across their property and into the bush but, being the practical type, we did the 'dump-to-brake' maneuver rather than reconstruct fences (and faces).

Hubby put his shovel and dreams of olympic engineering glory to good use building a curved track with banks of snow. By the end of Day Two's adventures, Roman could go whipping down the hill, bank around the curve of piled snow and slide beside the lane - frontwards or backwards - before tumbling into a pile.

No solo slides for Lauren on Day Two but she discovered just how great fresh snow tastes. Already the lessons have begun regarding yellow snow. Being in the country and dogless, there is a lot less yellow snow to be wary off. Instead, it's the joy of 'chocolate chips'* or raisins depending on their freshness...

We do, however, see a lot of amusement parks in our future. Lauren LOVED going down the hill sitting on the carpet infront of Mama or Papa or Roman or any combination thereof. Huge grin every time, snow flying everywhere and inevitably a face full for her especially during a 'dump-to-brake'. Seems we have a daredevil in the family after all.

* chocolate chips in the snow are generous gifts left by our wild rabbit and white tailed deer populations. Love to see the animals, not so sure about the piles they leave behind. I hear it's good for the soil. Now if I could get them to leave it in the garden area instead of the backyard we'd be rockin'!

Following the herd

It's the time of year when everyone reflects. Many of the blogs I follow have summaries of the year gone by and while I generally strive to go against the flow, this is one area I feel the need to eddy out into.

Looking back on 2010, I have mixed feelings. So many successes to celebrate but, as life always does, so many frustrations and set backs to establish equilibrium.

January and February found us tackling Lauren's dietary issues with a lot of success. It was May before we managed to get our GI on board but we did and have enjoyed so many more sleep filled nights as a result.  We've still had a number of occasions where practitioners use the "it's not a trait of Noonan Syndrome" to dismiss our concerns or observations as irrelevant but I'm now so accustomed to it, my spine firms up before we even begin discussions.

Over the summer we had amazing family camping trips, lots of fun in the sun, laughing and exploring with Lauren, button pushing and challenging from Roman and a gradual shift from obnoxious boy to a more gentle, caring brother.

The summer also brought another failed attempt at growth hormone testing for Lauren. Another wasted dawn trip to Mac but a beautiful quiet drive.

Fall introduced us back into the world of school for Roman, now an SK and loving it, and preschool for Lauren. Every morning she would wake us up with "My day Mama??" and each time she finds / creates / gets something new, "take to school Mama?"

Roman has been growing and learning and is stated to be one of the "best readers in the class" by his teacher. He's really coming out of his shell too - more confident and brave in face of new things.

September also brought a surprise in Lauren's eye surgery being scheduled. We didn't expect it before she was 3 years old simply due to the length of the waiting list. We had her pre-op appointment in September and surgery at the end of October. What an amazing change it made to the brightness of her face and eyes.

Before

After

And while the difference is subtle, I joyfully found myself startled at not having thought about her syndrome for a day or two. It wasn't staring me in the face as much and I celebrate it.

December came and with it snow, cold, dreary grey days, the joys of Christmas and some new emotional challenges. We are now in true speech therapy and I am pushed to find ways of incorporating B, P and M into more structured play so Lauren can watch my mouth and imitate. The only way she'll be able to pronounce them better is through Mama lead practice.

We've also been able to finally clear out all the wax build up in Lauren's ears only to have it followed by sinus congestion and her ears full of fluid. We went from the joys of knowing her hearing would be at its best to struggling to communicate and deal with her behaviour because she could hear so little. We also received a call that we've been referred to KidsAbility (which we're already in) for the Infant Hearing Programme because of Lauren's documented hearing loss.

This was a bit of a surprise and a blow to me. There has been a suspected deficiency in her low end hearing but I never considered it something warranting a referral to a programme.

Where I find myself now is stuck between what I know I should be doing for Lauren (which is everything possible) and the fatigue of constantly doing for Lauren. It became most apparent in December after three separate occasions:

First at the pediatrician's office. Lauren had been suffering from a cold and disturbed nights for over a month. We went to make sure the symptoms were still simply those of a virus and not something more significant. As is often the case with our pediatrician, he had a resident spending some time in his office. To be clear, there was nothing wrong with this particular resident and, also as usual, I helped him understand Noonan Syndrome and the implications on my daughter. While her heart was not part of the concerns for the day he asked if he could listen, etc. Then he left to consult with our pediatrician about the recommended course of action for her continuous cold.

Nothing remarkable. Nothing off putting but by the time we left I was tired. Tired of having to explain yet again.

Next incident was an appointment with the endocrinologist. As is NOT usually the case, we were greeted by a resident. This time, as is also NOT usual, I had Roman along. First it took longer than usual to be ushered in. Next it took longer than usual to have Lauren weighed and measured (by someone other than the endo herself which was also NOT usual). Then we had the joy of a new resident, whose only exposure to Noonan Syndrome had been the short stint she spent with the genetics department. At least she'd heard of it.

But then it was time for Lauren's complete medical history. AGAIN. Seriously? Read the freakin' file! Yes we'd had some new developments since our last appointment but only the eye surgery was relevant and only remotely. 40 minutes and many child interruptions later, and we're left waiting for the endocrinologist. When she arrives we go through some of the top level items, quickly review Lauren's current status (which is 5% on the standard chart, up from 3%!) and 50% on the Noonan chart. She's also on the 50% height to weight ratio. So, completely (un)average. But all that took two hours with poor Roman in tow.

The third and final nail was the appointment with the ENT who encouraged us to see our regular audiologist since Lauren's ears were finally wax free. When we arrived home, I just didn't have it in me to make the call and try to schedule in yet another appointment for something we already knew the results of - "inconclusive".

Apparently it takes me about 3 years to become jaded to the sharing of my daughter for medical learning and to be exhausted with driving all over town/Ontario for nothing new.

So, while Lauren's medical improvements (diet, gas pains, eyes) have been sanity saving, the continued need to educate the medical world and subject my perfect little girl to yet another test, poke or prod has counter balanced to provide a medically neutral year.

I'm not a resolutions kinda gal so there won't be any of those. Only hopes for a year that tips the scales towards the positive end instead of simply balanced.

Cause really, who needs balance anyways? It's overrated.